Vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the last week has brightened up for me rather unexpectedly. Time with friends might be helping. Maybe it was my hormones? Maybe my birth control is making me insane? Maybe I am actually insane? One day I'll go to a doctor to figure that out, but YAY! VACAAAAAY!

DUH, Monkey Park! *Stole this from travelpanda.org*

Friday, I will be flying into Japan in the evening for the start of a 4day/5night trip and I am more than ecstatic. I'll arrive in Osaka in the evening and stay for the night. The next day, I'll be taking a train to Kyoto where I will be doing everything I possibly can without dying of exhaustion. I can't wait to see the temples and the geishas and the monkey park! THEY HAVE A MONKEY PARK! Seriously, I couldn't be more excited. I don't care if people think my reaction to a monkey park is over the top. Fuck those guys. Monkeys.


Late Sunday night I'll be returning to Osaka for the remainder of my trip (sorta). I haven't entirely worked out the details, but early in the day on Monday I plan to take a mini-trip to Nara. I'll check out Nara Park which is apparently full of deer begging for food handouts. I can't wait to have my fingers nibbled at! I may also check out the attractions located right around the park. There's a temple and a museum pretty much right on top of the park. After that I'll return to Osaka for some nightlife and shopping Monday evening into Tuesday afternoon. I found out there's a manga/anime paraphernalia store right in Osaka. I will make a point to get to that one of the days I'm there. It's imperative.

I'll be back in Korea Tuesday night and ready to enjoy my final day of vacation RELAXING. I didn't know that I'd have next Wednesday off when I booked my trip, but I am thankful for it. Saved me money on hotels and provides me with an extra day home to do laundry/sit on my butt/get back on track with my diet I don't plan on following while in Japan.

The Neverending Blergh

I think I'm a really great actress. Every day of my life lately seems like I'm putting on a show while the inside of me is screaming "I HATE EVERYTHING. NOTHING MATTERS. WHY AM I HERE? I WANT TO GO HOME! I'LL JUST HATE EVERYTHING AT HOME, TOO. THERE IS NO POINT TO ANYTHING!" Whenever I try to find some sort of meaning, purpose, or enjoyment, I immediately find that there's no point to it. Dating? Why? I'll just move away. He'll just think I'm crazy. He'll think I'm too fat. Dieting? Why? I'll just fall off the wagon for the 800th time in my life. Reading? Why? I have no friends to talk about what I'm reading. Playing games? Why? I have no one to share my accomplishments. I feel like I'm constantly looking for things to waste time so I can go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole cycle over again. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of doing anything?

I have these dual voices in my head: This unceasingly negative voice and this upbeat positiveness that fights and fights and fights a losing battle. The negativity does not give up. It's always there. So instead of going out and playing the part of the person who is totally ok with absolutely no problems that can definitely handle being social, I find myself more and more staying home, avoiding people, thinking of excuses not to be around anyone (or around as few people as possible). Even when I think I want someone to be there, I'm immediately regretting having made plans.

I had a dream last night that I woke up on a plane that had just landed in San Francisco with some friends with absolutely no recollection of HOW I made it there. I was so happy though. I love San Francisco and it meant I could see my dad and my stepmom. Then I had this feeling of overwhelming dread. If I didn't remember making the decision of coming to San Francisco, did I tell my boss I was leaving Korea? Would I be gone through the workweek leaving the school without its foreign teacher that they absolutely depend on to carry the brunt of the class load? Would I lose my job? Even my dreams are just absolutely full of anxiety. I can't catch a break.

Korean Sauna Day!

The events that led to me having a Korean sauna day are as follows:

Friday was Korea's Liberation/Independence Day from Japan, so when I awoke yesterday I was very, very pleased that I did not have to immediately start getting ready for work. Aren't 3-day weekends amazing? I had the whole day ahead of me. I could do nothing or I could do something; it didn't really matter. My first thought of the day was to clean up that giant pile of dishes. So, having an insanely ghetto plumbing system, I took my small tub into my bathroom to fill it up with hot water in the bath (the only tap with hot water in my apartment). After beginning to wash my dishes back in the kitchen, I noticed the water was rather... lukewarm. Normally, the water is scalding hot, so I was a bit concerned. I thought maybe I'd done something silly like not turn the tap all the way to the left for the hot water. The actual issue was that the electric outlet where both my washing machine and hot water heater are plugged in is not working. This meant cold showers and no clean clothes for the coming workweek. I immediately messaged my school director to inform her of this distressing situation. My apartment is in the same building as my school, and her husband manages it, so it's their responsibility to fix things. I was told that it was too bad, so sad. The holiday meant no one could come and fix it. I asked her, "What about tomorrow?" Meaning today now, which is Saturday, and she decided not to respond or acknowledge it. Thanks, lady.

Today is my friend Elaine's birthday party and I hadn't showered since Thursday. No one wants hugs from that. So I decided to pack up my shower stuff and go in search of a sauna. Luckily, I thought I'd spotted one directly around the corner from my house a couple months ago and this was the perfect time to verify and try it out.

Dongdo Sauna

I chose the one just behind the Daegu Grand Hotel (there were 2, but the other was down a smaller alley and didn't entirely look open). I was happy to see it was only 4000won, so not a terribly high price to just shower up. I walked inside and was a bit surprised at how little was between the naked areas and the public areas. One thin curtain that could be blown aside with the right breeze? Really? This was my first experience at a sauna on my own, so I felt so much pressure and intimidation.



After undressing (oh the discomfort of being stared at by Korean women), I walked into the bath area of the sauna. This was probably the smallest sauna I've been in yet. There were showers, both seated and standing, one cold bath, one hot bat, 2 sauna rooms, and 2 scrub down/spa tables. After showering, I decided to soak in the hot bath for a bit then make my attempt at scrubbing myself. I'd bought a scrubber from the Novotel sauna a couple months prior and I've been getting lots of mileage on this 1000won miracle. I've been told before that Koreans think foreigners are dirty. Not that we don't shower, but they don't really see us at the saunas scrubbing the life out of our skin. After 5 minutes of hot bath soaking, I began scrubbing my feet and my legs, and I realized why they have that opinion. I've never seen so much dead skin slough off my body like that. Just... ew. It's gross. I spent probably 20 minutes scrubbing everything and after a while an ajjuma, who probably felt bad for me not having a second person there to scrub me senseless, came over and started scrubbing my back and my arms, hard. It's an odd feeling having a complete stranger walk up to you and do something like that, but it felt good. I felt like I was being accepted, which isn't something you always feel here as a foreigner.

I'm clean and happy now, so bring on the rest of the day!

There used to be a time that people I considered my friends would reach out to me to talk to me or see me. That doesn't happen much anymore. Maybe my definition of friend needs to change.

I think something that frustrates me most in regards to that is when I finally see people, and only because I run into them at the same places, I get questions or statements like "Where have you been?" or "I haven't seen you in so long!" These are vexing things to say when I've just been home by myself trying to keep busy because no one has said they wanted or cared to see me in particular. My assumption in the matter is that people don't want to see me. I can only ask to see people or reach out to talk to people with little reciprocation aside from a polite party invitation before I decide that my company isn't actually wanted, but merely tolerated. I enjoy my company well enough, so it's fine. Whatever. Fuck it.

Let the good times roll...

I already miss this guy!

My friend Eric was le'tired
at the party.

So the last couple weekends have had some crazy eventful nights. My friend Alex was leaving, so he had something like 800 going away events. I made it to 3 of them and all of them were a bit more than I anticipated. That's A-OK though. Friday the 18th of July he had a house party in which he gave away all of his household things he wasn't taking with him, like food, cleaning supplies, etc, using the white elephant gift exchange method. This was insanely fun, but also exhausting for me. I ended up stealing my friend Rachel's bags... twice. She was less than thrilled, particularly when I came in for the second bag. Luckily for her, her husband was there with her, so she got him to steal her new bag so she could steal back the second bag I stole from her. Damn my luck! The next weekend we went out to MF bar to say goodbye again, and this time we ended up in a singing room until after 5AM. I didn't get home until nearly 6... that made sleeping in on Sunday and then attempting to sleep Sunday night SO much fun. I came to find out yesterday at work that he was having yet another gathering last night. So, of course, I had to go. We ate fried eggs and omelettes and drank bamboo wine far later than was planned. I am so happy I got to see him and give him one last hug before he shipped off. He always gives the best hugs!

Blue, hot pink, neon green eye shadows,
and fake lashes. Rock star!

This past weekend was my friend Jarrod's birthday. It was a glam rock themed birthday, so I needed to do a lot of work on my hair and my make-up in order to fit the theme. I borrowed the best pallette of eye shadow colors from my friend Elvie and went to town with my eye makeup. I even wore false eyelashes for the first time. I need more practice with those and better glue next time I wear them.

The party itself was a lot of fun. We were blessed with a typhoon and insane amounts of humidity, so our teased hair kept falling flat, but we made the best of it. First we ended up at Bunny's for drinks and final touch-ups. The main party was at MF Bar (two weekends in a row here). We had a lot of fun here and I had to sit through several insanely disturbing versions of the Aristocrats joke. At one point a foreskin version of Cthulu was summoned. I worry about my friends sometimes. Next we moved on to see my friend's band perform at Urban. We didn't stay too long though. At that point the party split up into several smaller groups, as often happens around these parts. All-in-all a great night!

Jarrod & I. SO glam.

We look like hair band groupies.

I miss things.

Friends

I really miss my friends in Florida. I miss being in middle and high school and always having someone (or multiple someones) that wanted to see me and easily made the effort to do so. Even as we got older and our intimate lives got a bit more complicated, I never felt unsure or hesitant about reaching out and calling them when I needed to talk or get out, and I was always open to them reaching out to me any time. I know when I'm finally home they'll accept me into their homes with open arms. They are more like my family than my friends.

I really miss my friends in Buffalo. I initially had a really tough time getting out and making friends when I moved to NY. It's easy to make superficial friends, but really hard to find the ones that actually want to get to know you. I didn't make many close friends, but the ones I did make were wonderful. They accepted me quickly and easily and I miss them dearly.

I miss my foreign coteachers. Not the ones that were douchey or loners, but the ones that would have movie nights or binge-show watching nights with me. Now that I work alone, I feel alone most of the time. Sometimes it's not so bad or I need the time alone, but other times it's really bad and I no longer know who I can reach out to anymore. I'm really stupid about how to be social.

Family

I miss my mom.
I miss my dad.
I miss my stepmom.
I miss my grandparents.
I miss big family dinners and people saying things about politics or social issues to royally irritate me.

Food

I miss restaurants that served food I could always rely on.
I miss grocery stores that were decent and had what I needed so I didn't have to order things online from halfway around the world to stock my pantry.

Work

I miss sick days. I haven't had one in over 2 years, and trust me, I've been ill.
I miss having a supervisor that was even remotely sympathetic to loss.

The "I Guess I'm on a Diet" Update

So the last few weeks have been terrible for me as far as food is concerned. I've been making poor food choice after poor food choice after poor food choice. Before this week, it'd probably been months since I had more than a piece of watermelon a day to classify as fruit intake. I've been lazy. I haven't wanted to cook. God forbid, if I did cook, that I make any effort to include vegetables in the mix. Just meat and starches, loaded with fats. So healthy. I can see and feel the results of my poor choices as well. I don't want to go back down this road of unhappiness.

I have always been a yo-yo dieter. I lose a bunch of weight, then I gain it all back, and put more on. I don't really know what to do to change my mindset about food. It's always there for me! Bored? Food! Tired? Food! Drunk? Food! Hungry? Food! Give me your burgers, your pizza, your chicken wings, and your french fries. If it's unhealthy, I probably love it, and eat it to an insanely unhealthy degree. I don't even want to think about the kind of money I have spent on junk food.

Exercise can't possibly be the answer for me either. I love exercising when I want to exercise and only if I can go to the gym or ride my bike when it's not raining or 800 degrees outside. I have a specific regimen that I like to follow and has always given me the best results (along with smarter food choices). Fourty-five minutes of cardio and thirty minutes of strength training, in that order. I ONLY like to do this at the gym. Exercise at home? Home is where I relax! I miss free weights and ellipticals. Those are impossible to find in Korea unless I want to spend $150 a month for a membership at a semi-decent gym, or $50 at a mediocre gym with no AC. I may be a glutton for punishment, but I will not exercise in a place that exceeds 20 degrees Celsius. No, thank you.

I'm still up in the air about what I'll do with exercising, but I have begun making better food choices. Cutting out the junk and adding in more fruits and veggies while reducing carbs. I bought a blender so I can make smoothies. I bought protein bars so I can eat something healthy and quick that'll keep me from starving by the end of my work shift, which always leads to the worst decisions. I'm counting my calories too. So far it has been pretty easy. I am allowing myself a cheat day on the weekend with the bank of calories I haven't been eating so as not to feel entirely deprived. I do want to avoid key foods as much as possible, such as sugary drinks. Those always seem to be the most addictive things for me and such a waste of calories that could be put towards food. Delicious food.

Right now I'm trying to focus on the little steps I'm taking. Smarter food choices, check. Now to figure out an exercise regimen that I can stick to until I can return to the glorious gyms of the USA.