The Neverending Blergh

I think I'm a really great actress. Every day of my life lately seems like I'm putting on a show while the inside of me is screaming "I HATE EVERYTHING. NOTHING MATTERS. WHY AM I HERE? I WANT TO GO HOME! I'LL JUST HATE EVERYTHING AT HOME, TOO. THERE IS NO POINT TO ANYTHING!" Whenever I try to find some sort of meaning, purpose, or enjoyment, I immediately find that there's no point to it. Dating? Why? I'll just move away. He'll just think I'm crazy. He'll think I'm too fat. Dieting? Why? I'll just fall off the wagon for the 800th time in my life. Reading? Why? I have no friends to talk about what I'm reading. Playing games? Why? I have no one to share my accomplishments. I feel like I'm constantly looking for things to waste time so I can go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole cycle over again. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of doing anything?

I have these dual voices in my head: This unceasingly negative voice and this upbeat positiveness that fights and fights and fights a losing battle. The negativity does not give up. It's always there. So instead of going out and playing the part of the person who is totally ok with absolutely no problems that can definitely handle being social, I find myself more and more staying home, avoiding people, thinking of excuses not to be around anyone (or around as few people as possible). Even when I think I want someone to be there, I'm immediately regretting having made plans.

I had a dream last night that I woke up on a plane that had just landed in San Francisco with some friends with absolutely no recollection of HOW I made it there. I was so happy though. I love San Francisco and it meant I could see my dad and my stepmom. Then I had this feeling of overwhelming dread. If I didn't remember making the decision of coming to San Francisco, did I tell my boss I was leaving Korea? Would I be gone through the workweek leaving the school without its foreign teacher that they absolutely depend on to carry the brunt of the class load? Would I lose my job? Even my dreams are just absolutely full of anxiety. I can't catch a break.