The Neverending Blergh

I think I'm a really great actress. Every day of my life lately seems like I'm putting on a show while the inside of me is screaming "I HATE EVERYTHING. NOTHING MATTERS. WHY AM I HERE? I WANT TO GO HOME! I'LL JUST HATE EVERYTHING AT HOME, TOO. THERE IS NO POINT TO ANYTHING!" Whenever I try to find some sort of meaning, purpose, or enjoyment, I immediately find that there's no point to it. Dating? Why? I'll just move away. He'll just think I'm crazy. He'll think I'm too fat. Dieting? Why? I'll just fall off the wagon for the 800th time in my life. Reading? Why? I have no friends to talk about what I'm reading. Playing games? Why? I have no one to share my accomplishments. I feel like I'm constantly looking for things to waste time so I can go to sleep, wake up, and start the whole cycle over again. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of doing anything?

I have these dual voices in my head: This unceasingly negative voice and this upbeat positiveness that fights and fights and fights a losing battle. The negativity does not give up. It's always there. So instead of going out and playing the part of the person who is totally ok with absolutely no problems that can definitely handle being social, I find myself more and more staying home, avoiding people, thinking of excuses not to be around anyone (or around as few people as possible). Even when I think I want someone to be there, I'm immediately regretting having made plans.

I had a dream last night that I woke up on a plane that had just landed in San Francisco with some friends with absolutely no recollection of HOW I made it there. I was so happy though. I love San Francisco and it meant I could see my dad and my stepmom. Then I had this feeling of overwhelming dread. If I didn't remember making the decision of coming to San Francisco, did I tell my boss I was leaving Korea? Would I be gone through the workweek leaving the school without its foreign teacher that they absolutely depend on to carry the brunt of the class load? Would I lose my job? Even my dreams are just absolutely full of anxiety. I can't catch a break.

Korean Sauna Day!

The events that led to me having a Korean sauna day are as follows:

Friday was Korea's Liberation/Independence Day from Japan, so when I awoke yesterday I was very, very pleased that I did not have to immediately start getting ready for work. Aren't 3-day weekends amazing? I had the whole day ahead of me. I could do nothing or I could do something; it didn't really matter. My first thought of the day was to clean up that giant pile of dishes. So, having an insanely ghetto plumbing system, I took my small tub into my bathroom to fill it up with hot water in the bath (the only tap with hot water in my apartment). After beginning to wash my dishes back in the kitchen, I noticed the water was rather... lukewarm. Normally, the water is scalding hot, so I was a bit concerned. I thought maybe I'd done something silly like not turn the tap all the way to the left for the hot water. The actual issue was that the electric outlet where both my washing machine and hot water heater are plugged in is not working. This meant cold showers and no clean clothes for the coming workweek. I immediately messaged my school director to inform her of this distressing situation. My apartment is in the same building as my school, and her husband manages it, so it's their responsibility to fix things. I was told that it was too bad, so sad. The holiday meant no one could come and fix it. I asked her, "What about tomorrow?" Meaning today now, which is Saturday, and she decided not to respond or acknowledge it. Thanks, lady.

Today is my friend Elaine's birthday party and I hadn't showered since Thursday. No one wants hugs from that. So I decided to pack up my shower stuff and go in search of a sauna. Luckily, I thought I'd spotted one directly around the corner from my house a couple months ago and this was the perfect time to verify and try it out.

Dongdo Sauna

I chose the one just behind the Daegu Grand Hotel (there were 2, but the other was down a smaller alley and didn't entirely look open). I was happy to see it was only 4000won, so not a terribly high price to just shower up. I walked inside and was a bit surprised at how little was between the naked areas and the public areas. One thin curtain that could be blown aside with the right breeze? Really? This was my first experience at a sauna on my own, so I felt so much pressure and intimidation.



After undressing (oh the discomfort of being stared at by Korean women), I walked into the bath area of the sauna. This was probably the smallest sauna I've been in yet. There were showers, both seated and standing, one cold bath, one hot bat, 2 sauna rooms, and 2 scrub down/spa tables. After showering, I decided to soak in the hot bath for a bit then make my attempt at scrubbing myself. I'd bought a scrubber from the Novotel sauna a couple months prior and I've been getting lots of mileage on this 1000won miracle. I've been told before that Koreans think foreigners are dirty. Not that we don't shower, but they don't really see us at the saunas scrubbing the life out of our skin. After 5 minutes of hot bath soaking, I began scrubbing my feet and my legs, and I realized why they have that opinion. I've never seen so much dead skin slough off my body like that. Just... ew. It's gross. I spent probably 20 minutes scrubbing everything and after a while an ajjuma, who probably felt bad for me not having a second person there to scrub me senseless, came over and started scrubbing my back and my arms, hard. It's an odd feeling having a complete stranger walk up to you and do something like that, but it felt good. I felt like I was being accepted, which isn't something you always feel here as a foreigner.

I'm clean and happy now, so bring on the rest of the day!

There used to be a time that people I considered my friends would reach out to me to talk to me or see me. That doesn't happen much anymore. Maybe my definition of friend needs to change.

I think something that frustrates me most in regards to that is when I finally see people, and only because I run into them at the same places, I get questions or statements like "Where have you been?" or "I haven't seen you in so long!" These are vexing things to say when I've just been home by myself trying to keep busy because no one has said they wanted or cared to see me in particular. My assumption in the matter is that people don't want to see me. I can only ask to see people or reach out to talk to people with little reciprocation aside from a polite party invitation before I decide that my company isn't actually wanted, but merely tolerated. I enjoy my company well enough, so it's fine. Whatever. Fuck it.

Let the good times roll...

I already miss this guy!

My friend Eric was le'tired
at the party.

So the last couple weekends have had some crazy eventful nights. My friend Alex was leaving, so he had something like 800 going away events. I made it to 3 of them and all of them were a bit more than I anticipated. That's A-OK though. Friday the 18th of July he had a house party in which he gave away all of his household things he wasn't taking with him, like food, cleaning supplies, etc, using the white elephant gift exchange method. This was insanely fun, but also exhausting for me. I ended up stealing my friend Rachel's bags... twice. She was less than thrilled, particularly when I came in for the second bag. Luckily for her, her husband was there with her, so she got him to steal her new bag so she could steal back the second bag I stole from her. Damn my luck! The next weekend we went out to MF bar to say goodbye again, and this time we ended up in a singing room until after 5AM. I didn't get home until nearly 6... that made sleeping in on Sunday and then attempting to sleep Sunday night SO much fun. I came to find out yesterday at work that he was having yet another gathering last night. So, of course, I had to go. We ate fried eggs and omelettes and drank bamboo wine far later than was planned. I am so happy I got to see him and give him one last hug before he shipped off. He always gives the best hugs!

Blue, hot pink, neon green eye shadows,
and fake lashes. Rock star!

This past weekend was my friend Jarrod's birthday. It was a glam rock themed birthday, so I needed to do a lot of work on my hair and my make-up in order to fit the theme. I borrowed the best pallette of eye shadow colors from my friend Elvie and went to town with my eye makeup. I even wore false eyelashes for the first time. I need more practice with those and better glue next time I wear them.

The party itself was a lot of fun. We were blessed with a typhoon and insane amounts of humidity, so our teased hair kept falling flat, but we made the best of it. First we ended up at Bunny's for drinks and final touch-ups. The main party was at MF Bar (two weekends in a row here). We had a lot of fun here and I had to sit through several insanely disturbing versions of the Aristocrats joke. At one point a foreskin version of Cthulu was summoned. I worry about my friends sometimes. Next we moved on to see my friend's band perform at Urban. We didn't stay too long though. At that point the party split up into several smaller groups, as often happens around these parts. All-in-all a great night!

Jarrod & I. SO glam.

We look like hair band groupies.